How To Assemble Your New Crib
It only took us three hours to put together the baby’s crib. This is one of the several baby-related activities we’ve been involved in lately. Others include scanning products for our registry at Babies R Really Expensive, listening to people tell us how “everything is about to change”, stenciling letters on the baby’s wall which she will not be capable of reading for several years, and opening presents which, more often than not, elicit the word “Aww!”
Putting the crib together is a major step in what is called “Nesting.” This is the part of pregnancy wherein the expectant mother instinctually prepares her home for the arrival of her forthcoming child, becoming obsessed with cleaning, and rearranging, and building a refuge in which to hide her eggs. Fortunately for me, my wife’s nesting has been limited, and there has been no sign of twigs or branches in the house (I can’t say for sure what she’s been doing outdoors).
The crib was generously purchased for us by my in-laws, who generously dropped it off at our house so they could sit at home and generously laugh about us putting it together ourselves. If you have ever put together a baby’s crib you know what I’m talking about. The instructions start out with the disclaimer “Pictures May Differ From Your Model” which means that there is one set of directions for every crib in the universe that has been carefully crafted by Baby Pranksters and inserted into each box. So Dads, for your convenience, here is my fool-proof plan for putting together your new crib:
- Collect these items: Crib Parts, Screwdriver, Allen Wrench, Telephone, Encyclopedia.
- Take a break.
- Using the telephone, call someone to come and do it for you.
You may not need to call for help if your wife is around, and she is not too busy gathering tree limbs. She will be able to hold up Headboard Q5 while you insert Side Rail A1 into Post B7, so that you can screw Bolt HB2 into Pre-Drilled Hole XY, which Doesn’t Fit $&#@! But eventually it will all come together, and you’ll be proud as you step back and take a look at your baby’s new crib, which may be slightly shorter on one side (Hint: Use the Encyclopedia as a prop).
But there is nothing to worry about! Right now you may be floundering in your Bathtub of Expectations, getting the Suds of Unpreparedness in your eyes, all while trying to unclog the Drain of Self Doubt, which is full of the foliage your wife keeps bringing into the house. But trust me, everything is about to change. Or so I am told.
Hilarious…..i’m tellin’ ya…..The humorist for RD is taking a sabbatical to write another book (Mary Roach-the one that I like). SEND THIS IN! Couldn’t hurt…
at 9:29 pm on May 21st, 2008
u da (word-)man!
at 7:38 am on May 27th, 2008
Okay, I’m dying laughing!!! you have to send this in to Parent Magazine! sorry I can’t make it to the shower, I will send a gift card for you to buy something else that needs BI to fit into HB2.
Have fun on Saturday and continue to “Nest”. Love you guys!
Great Aunt Becky
at 10:35 am on May 30th, 2008
Cory, I had that crib and plans. There was a misprint. Bolt H2B fits into pre-drilled hole “YZ”. I hope your go-cart turned out okay. (if you still can’t figure it out, we still have Nolan’s crib)
at 1:44 pm on June 1st, 2008
You made a typo!
You said “everything is about to change”, (thats wrong)
It’s suppost to be, “everything is about to change,”
(I’m not even 14 yet and I have a better grammer then you!
You should be in Mr. Crawfords class!
I love you!
-Steven
at 1:49 pm on June 1st, 2008
I don’t know…
I maybe wrong, but it doesn’t look right…
at 1:53 pm on June 1st, 2008
As long as we’re on the grammar subject, I’d like to comment on Steven’s grammar. He is correct about the quotation mark thing because all puncuation must be inside the quotation marks unless it’s an end mark that’s different from the quote. However he wrote -I’m not even 14 yet and I have a better grammer then you!-.
Cory, I really think you should send your story in!
It should be -I’m not even 14 yet, and I have better grammar than you!-. You both should be in Mrs. Stelle’s class!
Love Nolan
at 2:35 pm on June 1st, 2008
I made 2 grammar and spelling errors myself! -Puncuation- is spelled punctuation. and there should be a comma after -However-.
at 2:58 pm on June 1st, 2008
To Steven and Nolan:
You met me at least once, boys, at Lyndsay and Cory’s wedding. I am Lyndsay’s mom. I am also a fifth grade teacher. You make my heart sing at all this talk of correct grammar! We, in the teaching biz, often feel that we are knocking ourselves out trying to get across a few simple communication rules that make life so much easier in the long run. Thanks for making my day, and, by the way, I would have been honored and blessed to have EITHER of you in Mrs. Kirk’s Class!
at 6:29 pm on June 1st, 2008
I don’t know what’s funnier; reading your post, or all the grammar comments.
at 2:46 pm on June 2nd, 2008
CP: Not to worry, your Grammar read this and she is PROUD!
at 6:53 pm on June 2nd, 2008
i dont really have much to say, i just felt left out since the whole family commented. so i guess i’ll just say that im excited about your magic bullet and even more excited that you christened it with a margarita. also, what kind of schools are our cousins going to that make middle schoolers correct grammar? they should be watching sponge bob like the rest of us. ridiculous.
at 3:40 pm on June 9th, 2008
isn’t this a fun way for the family to get together? Speaking of Sponge Bob and trying to tie this together, someone suggested I replace the mural on my office wall with a painting of the cellulose creature’s ‘crib’. Pina rule!
at 8:03 am on June 10th, 2008
isn’t this a fun way for the family to get together? Speaking of Sponge Bob and trying to tie this together, someone suggested I replace the mural on my office wall with a painting of the cellulose creature’s ‘crib’. No assembly required. Pina rule!
at 8:04 am on June 10th, 2008
at 2:59 pm on June 13th, 2008
I enjoyed your writing style and I’ve added you to my Reader. Keep these posts coming.
at 6:15 pm on July 10th, 2008